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Monday, July 22nd, 2002
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7:53 am - FYI
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Just for everyone's info...I have switched journal sites. I was at Deadjournal, but I got fed up with it's inability to load. Sooooooo, now I am at Ujournal.org and my name on there is Liss333. Just to let you all know and whoever wants to keep up with me.
~Melissa
current mood: productive
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(9 Hugs | hug me)
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| Saturday, July 13th, 2002
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7:29 am - From my DJ
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I can't believe it's been this long since I've updated. Sorry people. Actually, I attempted to update a few days ago but it kicked me off. Damn AOL. A lot of shit has been going on in my life. I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. Let's see, first of all, I have to tell you the cast of characters we have here....
Melissa=Me
Jill=my sister
Tony=my rapist
Amanda=Britney's cousin and Tony's girlfriend
Britney=one of my sis's best friends (now ex-best friend)
Chris=my boyfriend
Okay, to sum up what happened. About a year ago, Tony date raped me at a party. At the time, he was with Britney's cousin, Amanda. He talked that whole night about how he wanted to dump her and stuff. We were at Britney's house. It was me, Jill, Britney, Tony, and three other guys. Tony was TOTALLY wasted. Britney and I were sober. Jill had a few beers. The three other guys were drunk AND stoned. Well, I won't get into details, but Tony raped me. It is still affecting me to this day. That rape triggered my OCD and PTSD. I have nightmares every night, flashbacks every day, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem/worth, sexual problems, insomnia, crying spells, and panic attacks frequently. My therapist, Sherri, is helping me to get through it all. Basically what happened the other night is that Chris and I were standing in the McDonald's parking lot and I was crying and he was holding me. A car pulled up, it was Britney. She said hi and all and then told me the girl in the car was AMANDA! TONY'S Amanda!!!!!! Yes, that's right, the girl is still with him. I almost passed out, just as I was about to crumble to the ground, Chris caught me and held me. See, I had never met her before and it was quite traumatic to actually see her for the first time. I cried so long after they left. Also, Britney told me that Tony's 13-year old brother got his 13-year old girlfriend pregnant. Lovely, eh? Well, I got home around midnight and I heard something downstairs. I went down there and my sister was on the computer and she was crying. Okay. My sister does NOT cry. She's a little badass. She gets angry but she doesn't cry. Amanda had gone online pretending to be Britney and was bashing my sister in every way possible and then bashing me too. It was a whole big ordeal and in the end, Jill lost Britney as a friend. She was very upset. If I'd have known what a bitch and whore that Amanda was, I would've kicked her ass right then and there. But, that's the story.
Yeah, so my PSTD symptoms are getting in the way of my functioning for school and such. I zone out and I got in trouble in my English class for that. So, Hagen upped my Klonopin. Now, I take one in the morning and two at night. He thinks it'll relax me, reduce the nightmares, help the insomnia....etc.
Jen's grandpa is in the hospital. He has an anyerism (sp?) in his leg. I went to her house yesterday. He was supposed to be in surgery at noon, but they didn't even get him in there til 5:30!
Chris called when I was with Jen at like 2:00. He quit his job! Yesterday was supposed to be his last full day. But, he got into it with the manager and quit. *sigh* I didn't hook up with him til six. We went to McDonald's and then to his house. When he got to his house, he had something from the bankruptcy court denying his bankruptcy or something. He owes them $750 in 20 days. No way in Hell is that going to happen. ALSO, he owes multiple, multiple people and businesses hundreds of dollars. So, he got stressed. He got SO depressed, he became suicidal. He told me that he was feeling suicidal, that he didn't know of a way out, that there was no way out. He had thoughts of suicide, he said. He said that I was the ONLY thing keeping him from killing himself. That really scares me. That's a lot of pressure and I'm feeling extremely stressed about it. I mean, I can't be around him 24/7. He said only me. He asked if this was an "emergency." So, we called Dr. Hagen. Hagen told him to take 10 mgs of his Zyprexa or go to the ER. Chris took the meds. He NEEDED to be in the ER. He really needed to from what I observed last night. But, he outright REFUSED to go. He starts his new job Monday and he's afraid that would've ruined things. But, he really can't work til they get the drug test results back.
Oh yeah. My dad got the info for SEMO. I am living in Towers East. Yay! Okay, Towers is the dorm and there's four different wings all connected: North, South, East, and West. Jen's in West so she's only like a minute away. Also, my roommate is an international student from Japan. That should be interesting. I got to get on that website and change our address on it.
Well, I was quite angry in group on Thursday. It was me, Alison, and Liz. Adrienne was out of town. Alison talked THE WHOLE TIME! The whole hour and a half. I was so mad. Liz and I didn't get to say a word. I told Sherri after Alison left that I was having some mood problems and she's all like, we'll discuss that on Saturday. Thanks.....BITCH! She'll ask me today if the Alison thing offended me and I'll tell her yes. This conversation has gone on before.
I have Sherri at ten. I am planning on going to McDonald's and getting some breakfast beforehand. I wanted to get all of this out on DJ in the a.m. cuz it's not as busy.
Sorry for not updating til now.....AND, I will get to my friends page.......I'm sorry for neglecting you all!
Melissa
current mood:  hungry
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(3 Hugs | hug me)
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| Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
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11:59 pm - Bad thoughts
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I am updating here on LJ cuz DJ is deciding to be a bitch as usual tonight. Or shall I say this morning. I just got home. My meds are out....I have yet to take them. I really should take them now cuz I do have school in the morning.
My day today was okay. I knew Chris was off. We finally got together after I had class. Mr. Huxhold decided to pick on ME all class period so that was lovely. But, Chris and I went to Steak 'n Shake. Then, we went to his house around 1:40. He fell asleep and didn't wake up til 4:45. Grrrr....on his day off. I mean, I understand he's tired, but damn. I was hoping we'd spend it together. Sherri called around 3:00 and said she was sick and cancelled for tonight, which sucked. Well, Chris went to class and I went home for a bit and did my English homework. He called and we met up. We went back to his place and did "stuff." Yeah. It's pretty much a daily occurance now. But, I have some problems. Ever since the rape, I have really low self-esteem and self-worth. He tells me I'm pretty...that I'm beautiful and I just can't believe it. I mean, I know he's truthful but I just don't see myself in that way. I don't think I'm pretty at all. I see myself as very ugly, to tell the truth. And, he was telling me all these good qualities I supposedly have and I felt the same way. I just feel very low about myself. I feel ugly and that I don't have any worthwhile qualities and just feel....yuck. I know for a fact it's cuz of the rape. I used to feel very highly about myself. I used to think I had special qualities...I used to think I was pretty. But since that night, not anymore. Stupid, I know. But, it's just how I feel. And, I can't stand to not have clothes on...even in front of Chris. I always want to be covered up. After we do "whatever", I always instantly put my clothes back on and he doesn't understand it. I feel so ugly and disgusting and stuff I just can't stand it. Sorry for the complaining but it's just something I'm dealing with now.
I had to pick up my meds...Dr. Hagen forgot to refill my Neurontin. I think I have enough for a while. But, thank God I have my Seroquel now. I've been going crazy.
Not much else is going on. I haven't yet dropped the bomb about withdrawing from Psych, so I have to pretend to go tomorrow night. Fuck.
Well, I am going to email Chris and Jen and go to bed....night y'all.
Melissa
current mood: depressed
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Friday, June 28th, 2002
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5:00 pm - Call............Dammit!
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Yeah, so DJ is having troubles right now. I know Chris gets off work at five. I want him to call. I want to see him and give him a big hug.
My sister all wants me to give her a Neurontin so she can "feel good." Damn. Now, I'm nervous leaving it on my bedtable. I don't want her and her friend, Juan, to get into it. I told her to just go and smoke pot like they always do.
I downloaded a bunch of love songs and am making a CD. I wanna make a CD for Chris and I. Maybe it'll help get us in the groove. Not like we need any help with it, but anyway......
I miss Jen!!!!! She comes home tomorrow night from Cape. I gotta fill her in on all that's happened.
I got in my 2nd shower of the day. My OCD makes me want to shower repeatedly. Sometimes I just feel yucky. I don't know.
I really love Chris with all my heart. I mean, everybody has their faults, but he really is a good guy. I want him to call!!!!!!!!! oh NO, I'm not desperate *laughs*
Well, I'm gonna finish the CD.........
Later........
Melissa
current mood:  anxious
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
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10:51 am - A quickie
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This is going to be short and sweet. Hehehe.....Jen and I are going to the pool. My favorite activity! I have to go by my dad's office to get my allowence money. I have Psych tonight..UGH. I have SO much English homework, it's unbelievable. Well, gotta go! Oh yeah, I'm gonna try and update in my livejournal and my deadjournal.......OH YEAH! I'M NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, GOD.
Melissa
current mood:  cheerful
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(hug me)
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12:00 am - And the saga goes on...........
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I am posting this entry here on LJ cuz DJ is being a little bitch as usual.
Oh my God. Today started off really badly. I attempted to drive to school. I felt REALLY nauseated and drowsy. I thought I was going to crash so I pulled over to the Walmart parking lot. I looked at the clock on my stereo......then, I blacked out. The next thing I know, a policeman on a BICYCLE is tapping on my window. I told him my little story and he's just like, well sleep if you need to.....but don't stay too long. That was majorly cool of him.
I am calling my OB/GYN tomorrow. Hopefully, they'll have the test results. I am very stressed, nervous, and scared. I hope it's negative. Please, everyone, pray for me that it's negative. I'm only 19!
I was really bitchy today. I had the morning experience. Then, I saw Chris briefly. Then he had to go to school. I had Sherri and she was pissing me off. I don't know. She just seemed kind of pissy today. Yeah. So, Chris called me when he was done with school. I was feeling REALLY depressed. I thought of my options. I could medicate at 8:00 still depressed or I could have Chris come over. I decided to have Chris come over. We turned on the radio station that plays love songs at night, we cuddled, we talked, I cried (of course). He was really sweet.
Tomorrow is a new day, though. I have English AND Psych. Boring! I'm supposed to have lunch with Grandma. Fun stuff.
I need to go to bed now....got an eight o'clock class in the a.m.
Melissa
current mood: exhausted
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(2 Hugs | hug me)
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| Monday, June 10th, 2002
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5:35 pm - Dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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DJ is down again! I hate that. It's either that or this...I have to leave for Psych class in like five minutes....yikes.
I really hope it doesn't run too long so I get a chance to see Chris tonight. PLEASE GOD!
I talked to Jen's mom for a bit today. She's like my second mom. Jen's working til ten tonight so I probably won't get to talk to her....
Yeah, so I better get my ass in the car to go to school so I'm not late for THIS class.
Bye
Melissa
current mood: busy
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Friday, June 7th, 2002
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3:06 am - Today
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Allrighty. Deadjournal is not cooperating with me. I don't know how far I'll get with this before having to go to bed. I've already taken my nighttime meds...so I'll be passing out soon enough.
Chris and I met up before his first session with his new therapist. While he was doing that, I went to the pool for a few hours and got some sun. Then, we met up afterwards....he had school so I had dinner with Jen. We went to Pasta House and it was yummy. I got Pasta con Broccoli. Yum Yum. Then, Chris met me at Jen's. My stomach was hurting as usual. My stomach has been hurting like EVERY DAY lately. I gotta call my GI doc today...later. We rented a movie that we didn't end up watching, at least not tonight. And, to set the record straight, Chris and I had broken up and we both pretty much hated each other. But, we got back together AFTER we worked out our issues...and things are going VERY well. Um....I'm not sure if any of you other gals out there have this problem. But, like....okay. When Chris and I fool around, I get ultra-sensitive really quickly "down there." Like he can't be fooling with me for TOO long cuz I start to hurt. Like tonight. I started hurting and am STILL sore and hurting. Grrr.
I take my nighttime meds in time to where I pass out pretty much so I don't have to spend time thinking or whatever before bed. I get very anxious and upset and have crying spells. I am deathly afraid of the dark and being alone and going to sleep. Sherri says it's rape-related. Of course it is. Cuz, the rape occured in the dark....at night....etc. Great.
But, I am off to bed. It's been a long day......
Goodnight.
Melissa
current mood: drained
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(2 Hugs | hug me)
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| Thursday, June 6th, 2002
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11:37 am - Hmmm
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I've decided that I'm gonna write in both my LJ and DJ if I can keep up with it....I think I'll just copy and paste what I write in my DJ to my LJ if possible. I love the friends I've made on here :)
Let's see....it's beautiful outside here in St. Louis. It is a perfect day to go to the pool. My boyfriend is off of work today and he REFUSES to go to the pool with me cuz he thinks he's fat.....um....okay. Jen is working. *cries* I wanna go to the pool!!!!!!!!!
But, yeah. Things are going really well with Chris and I. He hates his job, he's looking for a new one where he'd get Fridays off.....cuz, he's gonna wanna go down to Cape to see me when I leave in August to move to school. We see each other whenever we can cuz our schedules are so hectic. He works five days a week and has school four days a week. I have, starting Monday, two classes starting.....
That is IT. I'm going to the pool!!!!!!!!
I'll update more later.
Melissa
current mood: anxious
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Saturday, June 1st, 2002
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8:52 am - Almost Therapy TIme!
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Woo hoo! I almost get to leave for a session with my therapist. I'm so excited. I kinda actually am. She really helps me a lot. I am sooooooo hyper today, though.
Oh yeah, I usually post on deadjournal so I'll probably copy and paste this cuz DJ is being a little bitch right now.
I am having lunch with my dad today. I am very excited. I don't get to see him much cuz I refuse to go to his house cuz I hate my stepmom....so we always meet and have lunch or dinner or something. I am going to meet him at his office after Sherri.
My mom is being such a bitch to Sherri. She was all demanding last night when she's gonna get to have a meeting with her and I was like, you'll have to ask her that. And, my mom's all like, well she never returned my phone call. What the fuck ever. I'm 19 years old, for God's sake. Then, she was all plssed cuz my psychiatrist kept my meds the same. I see it as we finally found the right combo but my mom sees it as "Melissa's still fucked up." Whatever.
That John boy I met at SEMO is a total psycho! Yeah, when I was single, he might have had a chance with me. But, I am with Chris now. This boy does not take a hint. He knows I have Chris, but yet I think he thinks he can win me over, which he will NOT. I told him time and time again I wasn't interested. He keeps calling and I keep ignoring the calls. Chris is pissed about it.
But, I gots to go......later.....
Melissa
current mood:  hyper
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(hug me)
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| Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
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9:25 pm - I'm so hyper right now...........
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I don't know why but I'm sooooooo hyper right now. Maybe it's because I actually took my "happy pills" as they were prescribed. Three times a day. Wow. That works wonders. Hehehe. Should've done that before.
I slept a lot today. That's also probably why I'm so awake and hyper.
Jen and I went to the mall...and you know that saying that lightning only strikes a place once? Well, for me, it strikes twice. Jen and I were on our way out of the mall and the last store on your left is Radioshack. I look in there....and saw someone. Someone I never thought I'd have to see again. Wait, I thought. It can't be him, it just can't. This couldn't happen AGAIN. But, yes, it was him. Tony. My rapist. I did a double take just to make sure it was HIM that I saw. And, it was. I freaked out. I grabbed Jen's arm and was like, just keep walking!!!!!!!!!!! She was like, what the fuck, Melissa???? We got to the car and got in. I started to have a panic attack. I started having flashbacks. I told Jen is was HIM and she was like, Oh my GOD. I was having a panic attack....my heart was racing, I was shaking, I was sweating, and my mind was going a mile a minute. Thank God Jen was driving. She tried to calm me down.....and finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I did calm down. I luv her. I don't know WHAT I would've done without her today. Of course, I called Sherri later from home. She called me back and was so surprised and sorry that it'd happened again. She wants me to talk about it in group tomorrow and that I will.
Then, I went home and slept for a few hours. I woke up and came online and all that.
I went tanning. Okay, I went for twenty minutes and they must've put me in the HOTTEST bed there. I didn't stay in there the whole twenty. I was sweating so bad and I knew I was getting burnt. After it, I went to 7-11 and got a Slurpee. I was laughing so hard cuz the guy in there knows me and Jen cuz we're in there so much and he asked where she was.
Then, I went back to the mall. I went to Hollister and Co. and got a pair of shorts. They're kind of like sweat-shorts. I went to Aeropostale and got some khaki shorts and a tank top. Yay! I love shopping. Especially for clothes.
I came home and talked to my grandma. I talked to my cousin Beth. I was talking to Will online. I was talking to Jen online too.
I am still online cuz I have no life. None. Lol. It's true! But, I think I'm gonna go to bed now. I am so tired.
Melissa
current mood: exhausted
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(hug me)
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11:11 am - Whoa
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OMG, I haven't updated here in sooooooo long. Most of you probably forgot about me. But, so much has changed lately. Hmm...I broke off the engagement with Chris. He turned out to be a posessive, controlling, psycho and a total nympho. Then, I was dating a guy, Darrel. He dumped me after he used me for sex, to put it bluntly. My best friend in the whole world, Jen, is back from school for the summer so I've been hanging out with her a lot. Well, anyway, I am on Deadjournal mostly now so if you wanna catch up with me.....my DJ name is Psychgrl. Well, I guess that's it! Hope you all are doing well.
current mood: depressed
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
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5:29 pm - Back to LJ
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Hi all--Well, I have been out of the picture for a while now cuz I've mainly been on Deadjournal. Well, I had made up, for privacty reasons, names for all the people in my life and even my own name. I did this all so my ex-boyfriend, Dustin, wouldn't know what I was up to....well, he found me and right now I don't care if he looks on this journal. Who cares. He can know what's going on. We are cool now. But, yeah....this is so weird updating.
I am waiting for my sister to get home. We are going to Plato's Closet and then out to dinner. I am trying to spend as much time with her as possible before I have to go to SEMO in the fall for college.
Um...let's see. I was previously engaged to someone who I thought I knew but realized in time that he wasn't the man I thought he was. He is a very unstable person and mentally sick. So, that ended. Now, I am dating a good guy. His name is Darrell...![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) chele, you remember him. Well, he and I have been going out for only a week now.....but he's really a nice guy. We have been friends for almost a year.....and he was there for me after the rape and would stay at my house til all hours of the night if I was scared or something. Plus, he's so sweet and caring and kind and sensitive and.......HOT! Woo hoo! The whole package. We'll see how things go.
Man, I went tanning today. I got burned! It hurts....I burned on my stomach, chest, and back. Darn it. But, I am tanner.
I visited Darrell up at work today. He has two jobs but was working up at K-B Toy Store. Hehehe. We got making out in when the store was empty...damn we're bad! We're supposed to do something after he gets off of work.
I really don't think there's anything else new with me.....
I'll update more later.
current mood: cheerful
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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5:25 pm - Hurting
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God, I feel so awful. I was the one who broke up with him.....called off the engagement cuz I'm going off to college....so why do I feel sooooooo bad? I am hurting so much on the inside, and it's so hard to describe the pain I feel. It's so deep and so sharp. I don't know. I've never felt like this before. I am in tears and I should be happy I got out of the relationship.....but I am sad. Why am I sad? I guess cuz we spent so much time together and it came to this. God, it hurts. It hurts so bad. It's true. "Breaking up is hard to do." Ha, that's an understatement.
current mood:  confused
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Sunday, April 21st, 2002
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4:20 am - Me.......an emotional wreck
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I am sooooooooo sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's like...I try to be happy and fun and stuff but it all feels like I'm superficial and it's just a joke. I am very depressed right now. I hate it. It's a daily thing. I cry multiple times a day and sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes I cry about my life......my fiance.....anything really. I am in therapy, yes. I had to make my fiance promise to change some of his behavior cuz it was making me feel bad. He has......SOME of it, at least. I saw my therapist, Shannon, today. As I've said before, she is the most WONDERFUL therapist out there. She really is. Ironically, she has a daughter with my same name and my same age......so ethical or not, she is like a surrogate mother to me. It's like talking to my freshman English teacher (one of my many surrogate mothers). She is great. But, today, I ended up crying in there. She came over to the couch and just held me and hugged me....just what I needed. Then, we felt a vibration......it was her pager going off. Lol. It was pretty funny at the time and broke the silence......well, the silence in addition to my sobbs. I am eating some soup right now and it tastes sooooooooo good to me. My stomach has been upset all day.....probably emotionally related. It all is. My fiance took care of me tonight...gave me medicine and fed me saltines and 7-up. He is good to me. Of course, before I left his house, I started crying. What else is new? So, I better email him tonight and let him know I'm allright....for the most part. Oh yeah, in case you didn't know.....I am a former cutter. Former isn't really the word. I don't think any "cutter" is a former one. I'm not at least and I haven't done it in three months. I have SUCH strong urges tonight, though. It would be so simple. I have a razor in my purse, but I'm going to try and just medicate myself to sleep before THAT goes any further. Well, I guess I'll do the usual......email my fiance and check my friend page.....thanks for listening. You all are wonderful.
current mood: depressed
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(hug me)
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| Saturday, April 20th, 2002
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12:38 pm - Um.........yeah.
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I was gonna update last night but DJ was being a little bitch. Um.....well, I talked to Chase and stuff. Both of us were crying. It was quite a scene. I told him all the things that he does that bother me. He has PROMISED to change and I'm giving him another chance. I have decided to go to the university in the fall and he's gonna come with me......if all goes well before then.....I'm so tired. I didn't get home til like five-thirty this morning and had to be up at nine to make it to my therapy appointment. Shannon is really a great therapist. I fell apart.....just started crying and crying. Shannon came over to the couch I was on and just held me.....that's exactly what I needed. She had to remind me to breathe.....I am okay. Chase called me on my way back home. He was at work and still very emotional and upset he said....ugh. But, he gets off of work at four, I think. God, I don't know what I'd do without Shannon. I told her about my cutting urges and that I've been smoking again...but she figures that's better than cutting......well, I am gonna take a shower then do my chores. Fun shit.
current mood: drained
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Wednesday, April 17th, 2002
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10:14 am - Off for the day
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Well, I thought I'd update before I leave for the day. Um...not much is going on. I woke up feeling very rested. Mom and I had breakfast together.....yes! TOGETHER! Wow. She saw Shannon last night and kinda told me what they talked about. Mom is REALLY concerned about my relationship with Chase...cuz I'm so young, she thinks I'd LOVE to go the university with Jenna, all this stuff. I don't know. I really don't know what I want. Well, I am going up to my college to register for that General Psych intersession class. Then, off to the mall. I wanna get my hair lightened. That'll be fun....hehehehe. I love change. Well, have a great day everyone!
current mood: hyper
current music: "I Will Remember" Madonna
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(hug me)
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| Sunday, April 14th, 2002
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2:56 am - When it all started.............
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I guess it all started on Thursday of this week. I had group therapy. That's when I found out one of my BEST friends, Adrienne, had tried to kill herself just the previous week. Her brother had found her....she'd taken like her entire bottle of Seroquel. She went to the hospital and was in inpatient for a while but was there Thursday night. It scared and still scares me very much. I don't want to lose Adrienne....she is such a good friend. Shannon said I should say that in group cuz it is bothering me A LOT. I mean....I've been thinking about it and I don't know WHAT I'd do without Adrienne. Well, then after group, I caught up with my fiance. We rented a DVD but of course, it wasn't watched. We started fooling around and after a while, he gave up trying to get me off. Then, he started all asking me these crude sexual things....like would I like him to do this or that to me and of course I answered no to all of them. Then, he kept asking me over and over to have sex and I kept telling him no but he kept on asking me so finally I said yes. We did it and then afterwards he was all like "don't ever let me do that again." He said "I'm so sorry." "I don't feel any better than Dan (my ex who repeatedly raped me)". He felt sooooooo shitty about the whole thing....I just started sobbing. I left without giving him a hug or ANYTHING. Well, then, I had Shannon this morning and told her about the whole thing. Since we're working on "expressing my feelings..." she asked how I felt about the whole thing. But, really, I wasn't mad at my fiance. I was more mad at myself. That I didn't even had enough self-confidence/respect to keep telling him no instead of just consenting for HIM and laying there basically while he did it. I cried. So, now, for Tuesday, I have a new paper to write for her. "The Person I Want To Be." After Shannon, I had lunch with my dad and of course, my fiance called. He felt like shit about the night before. I told him I couldn't talk then, but we'd talk after he got off work. So, when he got off work, I went to his house and we talked. He told me that ever since that night, he'd been feeling suicidal. Just thoughts, he said. But then again, he also said he knew how he'd do it......it was really scary for me. I love him so much and don't know WHAT I'd do without him. If he died, part of me would die with him. He said he wouldn't do anything.......in part, if I promised not to hurt myself....i.e. cutting. He asked if I wanted to break the engagement on him and of course, I said no. No way. So, tonight was basically a making up night. But, I am very upset that he was having suicidal thoughts. Every time I think about it, I start to cry. But, I think of cutting A LOT, so I know where those thoughts can derive from. He is off work today so I think we'll spend it together. I am probably gonna call Shannon tomorrow and update her. Fuck. I am SO glad my psych increased my Seroquel to 400 mgs or I'd NEVER sleep. Oh well. Another day in my life. I'm gonna email my fiance, he likes that, and go to bed.....goodnight everyone.
current mood: Upset
current music: My tears hitting the pillow
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(1 Hug | hug me)
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| Wednesday, April 10th, 2002
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7:30 pm - DJ is down..............so...............
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Since Deadjournal is down, I shall update on here and copy and paste later. Great. I have so many emotions going through me right now it's unbelievable. I've been in the bitchiest mood all day long cuz of missing my psych appointment even though I get to see him tomorrow. Grr.....I've been sleeping like all day long and alternating that with going online. My mom and stepdad and sister went out to dinner and my mom brought me back some food. Yum. Well, my sister's boyfriend had popped over.....all sad looking. Turns out he and my sister had a fight and it looks as if they may be breaking up AGAIN. So, my mom sent him home. Then, Chris calls all bitchy. He's all in a bad mood. He was pissing me off so badly.....getting mad at the dumbest things. So, I was like stop it!!!!!!!!! Oh and last night he told me for the FIRST time that he's bipolar! What the fuck? He waits til now...til we've been engaged over two months to tell me this????? Grr......I think he's having a low or something. He's like really irritable and shit. Fuck. My meds are gonna be all fucked around with tomorrow. I can just feel it. Mom wants her own appointment with my therapist cuz she doesn't "like how things are going." This means my staying out late and her relationship with me. Whatever. She can do whatever the hell she wants. But, now, my fiance is at the car dealership. I didn't wanna go there! So, he's supposed to call me afterwards. Riiiiiight. He just better be good. Shit. Well, that's about all and I'm resisting cutting urges cuz I keep telling myself that I'm not mad at ME, I'm mad at other people and it'd be dumb to punish myself......
current mood:  bitchy
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(hug me)
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4:56 am - Feelings..........Grr.........
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Yeah, so my counselor had me write that essay on "Being and Feeling Alone" which I accomplished today. I read some parts to my best friend but not others. Some things I'd just rather her NOT know. Do ya know what I mean? I just don't want to worry or depress her. I went to counseling and read my essay....without BARELY crying. I came so close to crying while reading that thing, it was unimaginable. But, yeah. I didn't know that talking about my feelings could be so hard. I was so uncomfortable and my stomach started hurting so bad. I guess reflecting the inner pain I'm in.......but, it was so hard. I know she wanted me to cry, that I needed to cry.....but I couldn't just then. Probably on Saturday when I see her again I will. I will feel comfortable then and know what to expect. I'll be bawling like a little baby. Tonight, I was only like minutes away from it. She called me at like ten-thirty tonight seeing if I was okay. I told her I had cried when I got to the car and she asked if I'd felt a little better afterwards and I told her yes. I told her to expect me crying Saturday. I thought it was only fair to give her a good warning. I was with my fiance and told him about it. We talked and had some fun tonight but then his stomach started bothering him so we fell asleep. I woke up at like four in the morning and just started crying and crying. He woke up and held me and just stroked my hair and held me some more. He told me everything would be all right. I love him to death...I see my psychiatrist today. That'll be exciting. Well, figuring I have to wake up in five hours......I better get some sleep. More to come later.....
current mood: awake
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(hug me)
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